Feeling the presence/energy of GOD/Love/Guru within!

I went to India for long trip of  4 months thinking that when I am back, I will be clear of my purpose
in life. I came back. I am same with no direction or desire to pursue anything.

For last few weeks(at the end of my trip in India and after coming back), my mind has been rebelling a lot and says that it is the presence of the guru which is making me weak. He is the cause of my confusion and direction-lessness. I noticed that feeling of ungratefulness was making my mind rigid.

All these years, I remember asking Gurudev few times - that I want to change something. I am looking for something. I don't know what that something is.

I even offered him to work for his organization in exchange for his guidance.  That's how my mind thought - one has to give something to get something. And that guru wants something if he wishes or has to give something. Whether that something is wisdom, guidance or material gift from Guru. 

When I see his videos on youtube, he is just happy in whatever he is doing. 

Today, as I am writing this blog. I felt that it was stupid of me thinking that he expects anything from me to get what I want. is there anything in the world I can offer him to get the most precious thing?He is there to show direction. He probably has.

Because I have come to realization that I feel some presence and some love in my heart. I feel warmth and protected. I don't understand what is it. I can feel it. It's there everytime.

I probably have gotten most precious thing in this lifetime. Connection to oneself. Feeling loved without reason, feeling that presence of some energy around.

I thank my brother for making me realize this yesterday in my grumbling sequence of events. I see him that he is miserable. He is probably looking for the same connection but his mind is more rigid and looking outward. All my suggestions has fallen at deaf ears.
But this experience made me realize that how important this is - to feel connected with oneself.
To get that peace. It is rare to get.
Sending my blessings to my brother. I wish he could find peace somehow soon within him.

Many times, I wanted this presence to go away. This presence is full of images of him - Gurudev. But I could not get him off my mind.  He is doing his job - keeping me in that balloon of love so that my mind does not go astray.

Perhaps I would have been more miserable in my confusion-full mind than what I might have felt otherwise. 

Thank you Gurudev and to this guru consciousness and to this unknown energy.